Childhood: Why does your child listen to the nanny but not to you?
Hi, it’s Manon.
A child may listen more readily to their nanny because the rules and reactions are more predictable with her, but that doesn’t mean they love their parent any less.
This situation is common in childhood and can be unsettling. Above all, it’s an invitation to look at the child’s behavior and how boundaries are set, rather than jumping to the conclusion that they’re being disrespectful.
What to do right away
- Give a short instruction, with just one action at a time.
- Move closer to your child and wait for them to look at you before speaking.
- Set a clear boundary, then calmly follow through.
- Make sure you and the nanny use consistent rules.
- Notice when your child listens and praise them specifically.
To understand how consistency between adults affects rules, you can read this article about rules changing depending on the parent and find out how family tensions can make instructions harder to follow.
Why a child listens to their nanny but not their parent
With a nanny, the roles are often easier to understand. She arrives at a specific time, follows a routine, and mainly steps in to support the child. At home, instructions are mixed in with reunions, meals, tiredness, and accumulated emotions.
A child may also feel safe enough with their parent to protest more. Sometimes they test a boundary, ask for attention, or let out the tension from their day. This isn’t necessarily defiance, or a failure of parental authority.
If the nanny gets a quick response
Notice what happens just before the instruction. Does the nanny move closer? Does she give just one instruction? Does she wait until the child has finished their activity? These details make it easier for the child to listen without demanding immediate obedience to every request.
If your child resists mainly with you
Look at the context: hunger, tiredness, repeated transitions, or divided attention can make communication more difficult. For example, a child absorbed in a game may be less likely to hear “come put your shoes on” than “put the blocks down, then come sit next to me.”
Listening develops through the parent-child relationship: a strong bond doesn’t rule out boundaries; it helps children understand them.
| Situation | What may be going on | Helpful response |
|---|---|---|
| They ignore an instruction while playing | They’re finding it hard to stop what they’re doing | Give them a heads-up, then give one instruction at a time |
| They protest when their parent comes home | They’re letting go of tension or asking for time to reconnect | Acknowledge their feelings, then remind them of the rule |
| They follow the nanny’s routine | Repetition makes expectations predictable | Use the same steps and the same words |
Parenting: avoid the comparison trap
Comparing adults can make it seem as though you need to become stricter to get a response. But raising your voice or repeating the same request ten times may make the instruction harder to understand. You can be firm and stay calm: a simply explained rule followed by an appropriate consequence is clearer than a threat made in a moment of frustration.
Choose two or three important rules with the nanny, such as tidying up before going out or washing hands before a meal. Agree on simple wording and a consistent response, too. Your styles don’t have to be identical: above all, your child needs clear, understandable cues.
A three-step plan to improve listening
- Observe for a few days. Note when your child responds easily to you and to the nanny, and what’s happening at the time.
- Make the instruction concrete. Move closer, name the action you expect, and give your child a few seconds to respond.
- Be consistent and encourage progress. If the boundary isn’t respected, follow through on what you said would happen without getting into a long debate, then acknowledge the effort when your child cooperates.
If the difficulties persist in multiple settings or are accompanied by significant distress, talk with the nanny and, if needed, a child development professional. The goal isn’t to win a power struggle, but to make expectations easier to understand.
Frequently asked questions about listening and the nanny
Is it normal for my child to listen better to the nanny?
Yes, it can happen. Routines, novelty, or more predictable instructions can make it easier for your child to cooperate with her. It doesn’t mean they prefer the nanny or that your bond has been weakened.
Should I be stricter to get my child to listen to me?
Not necessarily. Short instructions, a consistent boundary, and a calmly stated consequence are generally clearer than shouting or repeated threats.
How can the nanny and I set the same boundaries?
Choose a few priority rules together and agree on simple wording. Keep your own styles, while avoiding opposite responses to the same behaviors.
What should I do if my child refuses all my instructions?
First, look at when it happens and the circumstances: tiredness, difficult transitions, or instructions that are too long may play a part. If the difficulty persists in several settings or causes significant distress, ask a professional for advice.
I hope you’ve found these tips helpful. See you soon! — Manon
